Ancient Grease
by floppymcfoppybottoms
Summary: Spongebob and Patrick go on an exciting adventure in Floppy McFoppybottom's "Ancient Grease", the last tale before his untimely demise.


_**Author's note: My little Flopplings... I fear I do not have much time left. My days on this Earth are numbered and I feel as though I could pass at any moment. I want to thank all of my loyal fans for your devotion. Do not mourn for me. I hope you can find peace in these troubling times. **_

_**Forever yours, **_

_**Floppy McFoppybottoms**_

* * *

><p>It was another slow day at the Krusty Krab. New health studies had scared many of the restaurant's usual customers away, and the ones that did come in were served so promptly that there was never a line at the cash register. In light of the snail-paced afternoon, Squidward found his way into a bathroom stall to sleep and do Neptune knows what else while Mr. Krabs was taking a nap at his desk.<p>

Back in the kitchen Spongebob Squarepants was taking care to organize and alphabetize each of the individual ingredients that went into your run-of-the-mill Krabby Patty™ to ease his boredom. It was tedious work like this that Spongebob took the most pride in. He had a knack for performing the simplest of tasks extremely well.

"Hiya Spongebob!" a goofy yet familiar voice called out.

Spongebob turned around and spotted his pudgy best friend, Patrick Star, standing happily in the center of the kitchen.

"Oh, hi Patrick!" Spongebob said placing a single lettuce leaf on top of an unnecessarily neat stack of lettuce leaves.

"Do you wanna go jellyfishing?"

"Aw Patrick, I can't right now! I'm supposed to be working!"

Patrick peered into the empty restaurant. "Looks like you're not that busy to me."

"Patrick," Spongebob said, "It's not like I can just abandon my duties because no one is here. I've got to be prepared in case a hungry customer comes in!"

"Come on, Spongebob! Don't you wanna have some fun?" Patrick whined.

"Well, maybe we can have some fun here in the kitchen so I don't abandon my duties!"

"Oh! Okay!" Patrick said. "What should we do first?"

"Hmm," Spongebob paused for a moment, "I still need to get around to cleaning under the grill."

"Cleaning under the grill! Got it!"

With his cartoon-ishly ridiculous strength Patrick pulled the grill out from the wall of the Krusty Krab and tossed it aside, likely causing tons of property damage. There on the floor where the grill once stood were several grease stains, tandem bits of rotten lettuce and tomato, and a single french fry.

"Oh boy!" Patrick yelled stupidly, "Food!"

Patrick swiped the ancient fry up from off the floor and proceeded to devour it.

"Gee Pat, if you were so hungry I could have whipped you up a Krabby Patty," Spongebob quipped, chuckling as he did so.

"I could sure go for a Krabby Patty right about now," Patrick spoke absentmindedly, as if Spongebob hadn't said a word.

"Lucky for you I always have an extra one prepared, just in case!" Spongebob smiled, pulling a fresh Krabby Patty out of his front pocket.

"Oh boy! More food!"

Patrick had it down his throat in seconds. He swallowed the patty whole like a champion.

"Boy Patrick, you sure are good at swallowing!" Spongebob said, clearly impressed.

"You betcha old buddy old pal! In fact, I think I won a trophy for that one time. Let me see..."

Patrick reached his greasy pink hand down into his pants and shuffled around looking for the trophy. He searched and searched... and before long he began to feel a tingling sensation near the lower front half of his torso.

"Well gee," Patrick said, "that's weird..."

"What is it?" Spongebob asked.

"I feel all tingly and funny right here," Patrick said, keeping his stubby pink hand near his pelvis(?).

Spongebob smiled understandingly. "I think I know what you mean, Patrick. Have you ever felt this way before?"

"Yeah I think so... But I never know what to do! I get the tingles, and then I freeze up! I'm like Ashlee Simpson lip syncing!" (Patchy's note: aye, kids, this is obviously a dated reference)

"Here, let me help you pal." Spongebob made his way towards the clueless pink star and pulled his flowery green trousers down. As the yellow maverick had so cleverly assumed, Patrick had a tight grip on his fully erect mast.

"The trick here, Patrick, is you've gotta get it moving." Spongebob took care brushing Patrick's hand aside and gripped the shaft tightly. He started pulling it to and fro, rhythmically.

"Spongebob what are you do-... Oh..." Patrick began to feel more relaxed.

"See, doesn't that feel good?"

"Yeah." Patrick closed his eyes.

"Now sometimes it helps to get it nice and moist," Spongebob lectured softly, "You can use all sorts of things as lubricant. Like this for example."

With his free hand, Spongebob took a dab of grease from an old grease puddle that had been lying under the grill. He rubbed some of it off on Patrick's fire hose and began stroking it faster. The grease provided excellent lubrication and in no time Spongebob had Patrick's knees wobbling.

"Spongebob, this... this is amazing..." Patrick stuttered.

"I know, buddy, I know." He began to work more furiously as he felt Patrick's massive flagpole throb harder.

Patrick let out a large sigh as he came suddenly, his creamy starfish filling shooting out onto Spongebob's face.

"Oh no! Spongebob I'm so sorry!"

Spongebob laughed. "That's okay, Patrick! It's natural!"

"Is that... Is that where mayonnaise comes from?"

"You know. I'm not really sure. Let's ask Mr. Krabs!"

With Patrick's load still covering his face, Spongebob walked confidently into Mr. Krab's office while Patrick trailed behind him, his shorts still down. Mr. Krabs barely looked up as Spongebob spoke.

"Mr. Krabs, where does mayonnaise come from?"

Mr. Krabs lowered the newspaper he had apparently been reading to look at Spongebob. Seconds later, Spongebob and Patrick were kicked out of the restaurant because- as everyone knew- Krabs was a notorious homophobe.

"Well I guess you're done with work for the day," Patrick stated dumbly, pulling his shorts up.

"You might be right, Patrick. What do you wanna do now?"

"Oh! Let's go back to my place! I've got something I want to show you!"

Spongebob and Patrick walked down the road chatting and laughing until they finally reached Patrick's rock. Patrick lifted up the entirety of his stone home and gestured for Spongebob to step in. Closing the rock behind him, Patrick led Spongebob over to a door (made of sand because as we all know the interior of Patrick's house is entirely sand) he had never seen before.

"Spongebob, since you're my bestest buddy ever, I thought I'd show you something I've never shown anyone else before!" Patrick proceeded to push the door open.

Stepping inside and looking around, Spongebob took note of all the medals and red flags that littered the room. In the center of the flags was a white circle with some sort of symbol in the middle that he was unfamiliar with.

"What does this flag mean, Patrick?"

"Oh, well, the symbol on the flag is referred to as a swastika," Patrick explained. He then and turned to a portrait of a middle aged man on his wall. The man had a post-stamp mustache and was wearing a band on his arm with the same symbol on it that was now so obviously dominant in Patrick's house. The starfish raised his arm to honor the man in the portrait.

"Zis is mine fuhrer! Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler! Heil Hitler!"


End file.
